Rocky

Rocky

1976

I still exist. This blog still exists. I know, it’s a little shocking. I myself am beyond stunned. When I said I was going on hiatus, I never intended to take an entire year off. For that I apologize. I was busy with various things, such as school, theatre, and breaking to blog Disney movies. However, I’ve always planned on coming back to this project.  It’s very special to me, and I am determined to finish it, no matter how long it takes. I will watch all eighty five Best Picture winners, if it is the last thing I do! It very well might be. Now on to Rocky!

One thing I learned while watching Rocky is that I don’t know anything about boxing. Nothing. Well, I do know you have to punch the other person. A lot. And try to knock them out. But if you do knock them out, sometimes they just get back up and start hitting you again. I truly do not understand. If anyone understands boxing, you should attempt to explain it to me. Because I am currently very confused.

Rocky is an amateur boxer. In order to pay bills, he works as a debt collector for a creepy man. Seriously, this man is a jerk. He orders Rocky to break people’s thumbs. He is occasionally nice to Rocky, as he gives him money from time to time, but still. Messing up someone’s digits is extremely rude. Thumbs are important body parts! How would anyone be able to do things, such as texting! Wouldn’t that be sad? I suppose that they didn’t have texting in the 70’s, so thumbs weren’t as necessary as they are now. Now I feel like I am beginning to sound like a stereotypical modern teenager, so all discussions of texting shall end now. It’s also not particularly relevant to the rest of the movie, but I felt like I needed to share my distain for the breakage of thumbs.

Anyway, that’s Rocky’s life. He boxes, works, feeds his pet turtles, and hits on his best friend’s sister, Adrian. This is the second thing I don’t understand about this movie. Adrian. The girl. She’s not attractive. Click on this link. CLICK IT.

See? Not so much. I’m not the only one who thought this. My brother completely agreed with me. Neither of us understood why Rocky continued to pursue this girl. I swear we aren’t a shallow family.

Along with lacking in the looks department, Adrian never talks. Ever. She’s incredibly shy. Watching her on the screen was almost painful. I felt sorry for Rocky. She seemed like a boring flirting partner. He would have had better luck flirting with a brick wall. It would certainly be more fun.

Eventually, for some unknown reason, Rocky convinces awkward Arian to go out with him. They have a dandy time and eventually become lovers and everyone is super happy. Yay. Whatever. It’s not that important. This isn’t supposed to be a story about love! It’s supposed to be about beating up people! Because that’s what boxing is! I think.

While all of this is going on, Rocky has a stroke of luck regarding his kind of pathetic boxing career. Apollo Creed, the heavyweight champion of the world! needs an opponent for the championship. Somehow he decides to fight Rocky for the title.

Again. I am confused. How does the title work? This whole boxing sport is so mind boggling. Why does Rocky get to go for it? Isn’t he an amateur? Do they let just anyone fight for these titles? What exactly is a title? Can I get one? Can I fight for the championship against Apollo Creed? I don’t think I’d want to, but could I? Would Apollo Creed be okay with punching a girl? That’d be almost as rude as snapping my thumbs! We all know how terrible that would be! How else would I text?! Does anyone understand boxing?! Am I the only one lacking knowledge in this subject? My brain hurts.

Rocky trains forever for this fight. His training includes running up a lot of stairs, beating up halved cows in a meat factory (which is absolutely disgusting. Why would anyone want to actually touch the carcass of a dead thing? Talk about nasty.), and doing an insane amount of pushups. Watching him get in shape made me feel so lazy. I feel like I need to go for a five mile run now and starting chugging raw eggs. Maybe if I do that for a while, I one day can be as strong as Rocky! This seems like a good plan.

Eventually the day for this fight comes! Apollo and Rocky punch each other. A lot. Sometimes they fall down. But then they’re allowed to get back up and keep at it. Heavy sigh. After 15 rounds, they stop. The referees announce that Apollo is the winner! How that happened, I have no idea. Apparently all those raw eggs and punching cows didn’t help Rocky. I guess I need to rethink my great plan mentioned in the above paragraph. I should take up rock climbing! Perhaps yoga. Anything but boxing. I already know that is not my thing. I rather like my face intact. Anyway, Rocky doesn’t care that he lost the fight that he trained for months for, because he has ugly, odd Adrian. How sweet. The end.

In case it wasn’t clear, this was a boxing movie. Which is a confusing sport. In case I haven’t mentioned that. For a sports movie, this was acceptable. The underdog didn’t actually win, which was a nice thing! Not to sound too cynical, but sometimes it’s nice to watch the protagonist lose. That sounds completely cynical. But that’s life. It’s also confusing. Just like Rocky!