Out of Africa

Out of Africa
1985

Alright. I know I have said I am in complete love with many actors before, but every time I was lying. I do not really wish to marry Marlon Brando, or Gregory Peck, or anyone else. Because, my true love, is Robert Redford.

He has starred in two of my favorite movies of all time, The Sting, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In both he was absolutely spectacular. But just recently, a tragedy occurred in my relationship with Mr. Redford.

HE LET ME DOWN. The little jerk betrayed my trust in him and made an awful movie! At first, I was in shock. How could Robert Redford fail?! But alas, I do suppose everyone is human and is allowed to fail once in their life, so my complete adoration of him has not really changed. But this does not change the fact I completely abhor with great passion the movie that is Out of Africa.

First, we do not begin in Africa. We start in Denmark, where our main lady Karen has decided to go into a marriage of convenience with one of her buddies. She should have known how stupid of an idea this was. She is now semi-happy with her little (really, he’s short) baron husband, and off they go to use her money to buy a dairy farm in Africa.

But oops! Little Baron forgot to mention he used her money to buy a coffee plantation, and then goes off hunting all the time, leaving her to do all the work. He’s really not a nice guy now is he?

He also sleeps around and gives poor Karen syphilis. What a jerk. She has to go back to Denmark to get better, which she does eventually do, but the disease has left her unable to have children. I repeat. Little Baron is a jerk.

But that’s okay! Because Karen has found a lover in Denys (I spelled it right, I promise), a free spirited person who is played by a very very OLD Robert Redford. Little did I know he actually had to ability to age. This was quite dramatizing as I am sure you can tell.

After a few years, Little Baron asks for a divorce. Karen says, hmm, okay! She is free to marry Denys. Except for the fact he doesn’t like the idea of marriage. Karen is rather annoyed at this and the break up. But only for about ten minutes, film time. She understands she cannot tame him and everyone is happy.

THEN. HE. DIES.

I couldn’t believe it. What a terrible way to end a movie! Oh her plantation burns down too. So she really is having bad luck and must return to Denmark to live. The end.

I am at a loss for words, in the worst possible way. Have I mentioned yet that this movie was three hours long? Have I mentioned Meryl Streep’s hair looked like a lion attacked it throughout the length of the movie? Have I mentioned yet how horrid her accent was and how I was secretly hoping the whole film her vocal chords would just die? Have I mentioned that Robert Redford DIED? Well, now I have. These reasons are just some in a long list of why this movie failed extremely epically. I hope, for as long as I live, I will never have to watch something like this again, it was that atrocious. Any film that makes Robert Redford terrible does not deserve to have the title of Best Picture.

Maybe it’s time to go back to loving Marlon Brando.