The Godfather

The Godfather
1972

I am perpetually afraid of oranges now. Obviously when one is seen it means impending doom, something I’d rather avoid.

Before I start, I would like to apologize in advance for the fact I do not know anyone’s names except Sonny and Michael’s. It’s just so hard to remember Italian names for me!

Marlon Brando is the head of a mob family. His real name is obviously not Marlon Brando. He has four children, Sonny, Connie, Michael and Son I Do Not Know.

Connie is getting married. To a really big jerk but that’s beside the point for now. At this wedding is a singer named Johnny. I think. We’ll just call him Johnny. He asks Brando for help getting another movie job because his career is lacking. So Brando sends Robert Duvall, his own private lawyer and basic son, off to Hollywood to talk to the producer and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Apparently he could refuse it. So as the producer is refusing it, he shows Duvall his prize race horse and we see some oranges on the table. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!

The next morning the producer wakes up to see his horses head at the foot of his bed. Fun fact! It was a real horse head used in the movie that they got from a dog food company. Now that I think of it, maybe that fact isn’t so fun after all. Oh well. The producer quickly signs Johnny.

When Duvall comes back, the whole gang meets up with the big nosed ugly man. BNUM wants them to protect some kind of drug thingy, but Brando doesn’t like this idea and says no. He later sends his enforcer to go learn more about it, but BNUM stabs him in the hand then garrotes him to death.

Isn’t that like, the coolest thing ever? He was garroted to death! That is right up there with awesome ways to kill someone, along with drawn and quartered. Please excuse my morbidness as we return to the plot now.

Brando is out buying, wait for it…. ORANGES. And then he gets shot in the back five times. That must have hurt. When Michael, the one son who isn’t involved in the family business, goes to visit his father, and saves his father from another murder attempt. This one little scrawny dude was supposed to be watching Brando, but he was sick. So of course he gets shot in the head.

Everyone is still mad at the attempt on Brando’s life. So they send Michael to shoot the people, including BNUM, in the head. Lots of head shots in this movie. He does it and then rushes off to be safe in Italy. There he marries this girl, but she soon gets BLOWN UP in a fiery explosion meant for Michael.

Remember how Connie’s husband is a jerk? Well, he beat her up and she told Sonny about it. Sonny chases down jerk husband and beats him to a pulp. WHILE JERK HUSBAND WAS WEARING ORANGE! But alas, he doesn’t learn and beats Connie again. Sonny runs down to beat him up again, when he passes a sign for ORANGE JUICE. Oh no Sonny! Don’t go! He drives up to a toll booth and is shot at least 47 times. This causes him to die.

Brando has a meeting with the head of the five families. There are ORANGES on the table, but, the achieve peace. It makes no sense!

Next, Brando has a heart attack with an orange in his mouth, Michael takes over as the head of the business, he has the other heads of the five families killed (ah NOW the oranges on the table make sense) as he is being named godfather of Connie’s baby, and then has jerk husband garroted for helping in the “Let’s kill Sonny!” plot. Connie gets sad, his new wife gets mad, but Michael lies and says he didn’t do it and then everyone is happy. The end.

So how was this? Well. The acting was brilliant. The story was brilliant. The orange thing was brilliant. The movie was brilliant.

Out of Africa

Out of Africa
1985

Alright. I know I have said I am in complete love with many actors before, but every time I was lying. I do not really wish to marry Marlon Brando, or Gregory Peck, or anyone else. Because, my true love, is Robert Redford.

He has starred in two of my favorite movies of all time, The Sting, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In both he was absolutely spectacular. But just recently, a tragedy occurred in my relationship with Mr. Redford.

HE LET ME DOWN. The little jerk betrayed my trust in him and made an awful movie! At first, I was in shock. How could Robert Redford fail?! But alas, I do suppose everyone is human and is allowed to fail once in their life, so my complete adoration of him has not really changed. But this does not change the fact I completely abhor with great passion the movie that is Out of Africa.

First, we do not begin in Africa. We start in Denmark, where our main lady Karen has decided to go into a marriage of convenience with one of her buddies. She should have known how stupid of an idea this was. She is now semi-happy with her little (really, he’s short) baron husband, and off they go to use her money to buy a dairy farm in Africa.

But oops! Little Baron forgot to mention he used her money to buy a coffee plantation, and then goes off hunting all the time, leaving her to do all the work. He’s really not a nice guy now is he?

He also sleeps around and gives poor Karen syphilis. What a jerk. She has to go back to Denmark to get better, which she does eventually do, but the disease has left her unable to have children. I repeat. Little Baron is a jerk.

But that’s okay! Because Karen has found a lover in Denys (I spelled it right, I promise), a free spirited person who is played by a very very OLD Robert Redford. Little did I know he actually had to ability to age. This was quite dramatizing as I am sure you can tell.

After a few years, Little Baron asks for a divorce. Karen says, hmm, okay! She is free to marry Denys. Except for the fact he doesn’t like the idea of marriage. Karen is rather annoyed at this and the break up. But only for about ten minutes, film time. She understands she cannot tame him and everyone is happy.

THEN. HE. DIES.

I couldn’t believe it. What a terrible way to end a movie! Oh her plantation burns down too. So she really is having bad luck and must return to Denmark to live. The end.

I am at a loss for words, in the worst possible way. Have I mentioned yet that this movie was three hours long? Have I mentioned Meryl Streep’s hair looked like a lion attacked it throughout the length of the movie? Have I mentioned yet how horrid her accent was and how I was secretly hoping the whole film her vocal chords would just die? Have I mentioned that Robert Redford DIED? Well, now I have. These reasons are just some in a long list of why this movie failed extremely epically. I hope, for as long as I live, I will never have to watch something like this again, it was that atrocious. Any film that makes Robert Redford terrible does not deserve to have the title of Best Picture.

Maybe it’s time to go back to loving Marlon Brando.