Braveheart
1995
Blood is a good thing. It keeps you alive, and stuff, and I am very appreciative of it.
However, I am not a fan of it when it is outside of the body. It’s slimy, and red, and full of death when that happens. It stains things and is rather a nuisance.
I had to get over this whole blood=yuckers while watching Braveheart. As this was a movie that included brutal medieval warfare (this is what it was rated R for. I found it a little bit funny.), there is lots and lots AND LOTS of blood. Don’t try and tell me that it is tame and there are far more gruesome movies out there and blah de blah, I know what I saw. And that was blood.
But it’s okay because this was a fabulous movie. Before I continue with this blog, remember, that even though this was apparently based on history, really, 90% of the events and doings in this movie are messed up.
A very long time ago, the king of England was a jerk. He didn’t really seem to like the Scots all that much. So he decides to put into practice an old law called primae noctis. Yes, I will admit I had to look up what it is called. Get over it. This is a really dumb law. It means if you live on someone’s land that landowner has sexual rights to you on your wedding night, if you are a girl.
As you can imagine, the Scottish people didn’t really like this rule. Especially a man named William Wallace. So he and his love decide to marry secretly. It appears they may live out a happy and quiet life, with absolutely no violence or war whatsoever.
Well, it seemed that way for five minutes. Unfortunately, after she fights off a soldier who is trying to um, do things to her, the head soldier man slits Wallace’s new wife’s throat. This really pisses Wallace off. Like a lot. When he finds out he takes out many soldiers, and then slit the head soldier man’s throat. This starts a huge three hour rebellion against England.
In these three hours, there are lots of battles, blood, babies, betrayals, and beheadings. Wallace earns the respect of Robert the Bruce, the guy hopefully heading towards becoming king of Scotland. Eventually they get the English out of Scotland. However this is not enough for Wallace, and they soon begin to capture towns in England. This really angers the jerk king.
So he sends in his daughter in law to make a deal, all while planning on ambushing Wallace. But he was stupid and sent in girl, who likes Wallace, and tells him about the trap.
At the next battle, Wallace is impaled by an arrow. Some of the stupid Scottish nobles decide to bail on him, and Robert the Bruce, who shall now be called Brucey, actually joined the other side. However, Brucey feels pretty lousy about it, as he should, and saves Wallace’s life by giving him to one of his friends.
The fact the nobles did what they did was a dumb move on their part. They should have known that Wallace doesn’t like betrayals, and very bloodly kills them. They totally had it coming to them, the buttheads.
Even though everything seemed to be going so well for Wallace, he waltzes into a trap when he goes to meet with Brucey. Brucey’s father is a real nasty man, inside and especially out, and helped the soldiers catch Wallace.
In London, where Wallace is now being tried, the jerk king is dying. Haha serves him right. His daughter in law begs Wallace to ask for mercy, because she kind of loves him, but Wallace refuses and eventually is beheaded. I think. I was sort of hiding under my blanket during that part. Jerk king dies too. No one is sad.
After his death, Brucey picks up where Wallace left off and the Scots won their freedom for which they had been fighting for so long. The End.
Seriously. This is a fabulous movie. It’s engaging, and violent, and at times funny. It’s a wonderful story of how far someone will fight for something that they truly believe in.
It was about time I watched something good.
