The Godfather

The Godfather
1972

I am perpetually afraid of oranges now. Obviously when one is seen it means impending doom, something I’d rather avoid.

Before I start, I would like to apologize in advance for the fact I do not know anyone’s names except Sonny and Michael’s. It’s just so hard to remember Italian names for me!

Marlon Brando is the head of a mob family. His real name is obviously not Marlon Brando. He has four children, Sonny, Connie, Michael and Son I Do Not Know.

Connie is getting married. To a really big jerk but that’s beside the point for now. At this wedding is a singer named Johnny. I think. We’ll just call him Johnny. He asks Brando for help getting another movie job because his career is lacking. So Brando sends Robert Duvall, his own private lawyer and basic son, off to Hollywood to talk to the producer and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Apparently he could refuse it. So as the producer is refusing it, he shows Duvall his prize race horse and we see some oranges on the table. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!

The next morning the producer wakes up to see his horses head at the foot of his bed. Fun fact! It was a real horse head used in the movie that they got from a dog food company. Now that I think of it, maybe that fact isn’t so fun after all. Oh well. The producer quickly signs Johnny.

When Duvall comes back, the whole gang meets up with the big nosed ugly man. BNUM wants them to protect some kind of drug thingy, but Brando doesn’t like this idea and says no. He later sends his enforcer to go learn more about it, but BNUM stabs him in the hand then garrotes him to death.

Isn’t that like, the coolest thing ever? He was garroted to death! That is right up there with awesome ways to kill someone, along with drawn and quartered. Please excuse my morbidness as we return to the plot now.

Brando is out buying, wait for it…. ORANGES. And then he gets shot in the back five times. That must have hurt. When Michael, the one son who isn’t involved in the family business, goes to visit his father, and saves his father from another murder attempt. This one little scrawny dude was supposed to be watching Brando, but he was sick. So of course he gets shot in the head.

Everyone is still mad at the attempt on Brando’s life. So they send Michael to shoot the people, including BNUM, in the head. Lots of head shots in this movie. He does it and then rushes off to be safe in Italy. There he marries this girl, but she soon gets BLOWN UP in a fiery explosion meant for Michael.

Remember how Connie’s husband is a jerk? Well, he beat her up and she told Sonny about it. Sonny chases down jerk husband and beats him to a pulp. WHILE JERK HUSBAND WAS WEARING ORANGE! But alas, he doesn’t learn and beats Connie again. Sonny runs down to beat him up again, when he passes a sign for ORANGE JUICE. Oh no Sonny! Don’t go! He drives up to a toll booth and is shot at least 47 times. This causes him to die.

Brando has a meeting with the head of the five families. There are ORANGES on the table, but, the achieve peace. It makes no sense!

Next, Brando has a heart attack with an orange in his mouth, Michael takes over as the head of the business, he has the other heads of the five families killed (ah NOW the oranges on the table make sense) as he is being named godfather of Connie’s baby, and then has jerk husband garroted for helping in the “Let’s kill Sonny!” plot. Connie gets sad, his new wife gets mad, but Michael lies and says he didn’t do it and then everyone is happy. The end.

So how was this? Well. The acting was brilliant. The story was brilliant. The orange thing was brilliant. The movie was brilliant.

Out of Africa

Out of Africa
1985

Alright. I know I have said I am in complete love with many actors before, but every time I was lying. I do not really wish to marry Marlon Brando, or Gregory Peck, or anyone else. Because, my true love, is Robert Redford.

He has starred in two of my favorite movies of all time, The Sting, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In both he was absolutely spectacular. But just recently, a tragedy occurred in my relationship with Mr. Redford.

HE LET ME DOWN. The little jerk betrayed my trust in him and made an awful movie! At first, I was in shock. How could Robert Redford fail?! But alas, I do suppose everyone is human and is allowed to fail once in their life, so my complete adoration of him has not really changed. But this does not change the fact I completely abhor with great passion the movie that is Out of Africa.

First, we do not begin in Africa. We start in Denmark, where our main lady Karen has decided to go into a marriage of convenience with one of her buddies. She should have known how stupid of an idea this was. She is now semi-happy with her little (really, he’s short) baron husband, and off they go to use her money to buy a dairy farm in Africa.

But oops! Little Baron forgot to mention he used her money to buy a coffee plantation, and then goes off hunting all the time, leaving her to do all the work. He’s really not a nice guy now is he?

He also sleeps around and gives poor Karen syphilis. What a jerk. She has to go back to Denmark to get better, which she does eventually do, but the disease has left her unable to have children. I repeat. Little Baron is a jerk.

But that’s okay! Because Karen has found a lover in Denys (I spelled it right, I promise), a free spirited person who is played by a very very OLD Robert Redford. Little did I know he actually had to ability to age. This was quite dramatizing as I am sure you can tell.

After a few years, Little Baron asks for a divorce. Karen says, hmm, okay! She is free to marry Denys. Except for the fact he doesn’t like the idea of marriage. Karen is rather annoyed at this and the break up. But only for about ten minutes, film time. She understands she cannot tame him and everyone is happy.

THEN. HE. DIES.

I couldn’t believe it. What a terrible way to end a movie! Oh her plantation burns down too. So she really is having bad luck and must return to Denmark to live. The end.

I am at a loss for words, in the worst possible way. Have I mentioned yet that this movie was three hours long? Have I mentioned Meryl Streep’s hair looked like a lion attacked it throughout the length of the movie? Have I mentioned yet how horrid her accent was and how I was secretly hoping the whole film her vocal chords would just die? Have I mentioned that Robert Redford DIED? Well, now I have. These reasons are just some in a long list of why this movie failed extremely epically. I hope, for as long as I live, I will never have to watch something like this again, it was that atrocious. Any film that makes Robert Redford terrible does not deserve to have the title of Best Picture.

Maybe it’s time to go back to loving Marlon Brando.

The French Connection

The French Connection
1971
“If I were a rich man!”
“Tradition!”
“Matchmaker matchmaker find me a find catch me a catch.” Does anyone know what movie these are from? If you guessed Fiddler on the Roof, you would be correct! Isn’t that a fabulous movie? Oh how I would love to talk about that movie! It was nominated in 1971 for Best Picture even, that’s how great it is!

But guess what. It lost. To stupid The French Connection. So I have to talk about that movie instead. This makes me angry. But because I am a wonderful person, I’ll do it anyway.

Bad guys have drugs. Good guys want to put them away for this. Good guys fail in the end. The end.

What’s that you say? I am getting lazy in my old age and should do a longer summary? Well I take personal offense to that! I am not getting lazy! So maybe I only made my bed twice this week. Maybe I only put on makeup three times. Maybe I only wrote a three sentence summary. I don’t think this is the definition of lazy! I call it conservation of energy, which everyone should be for.

In truth, this was all I understood of this, to put it bluntly, terrible movie. It was confusing. And boring. The most exciting scene was a car chasing a train, but even though that had the potential to be fabulous and spectacular, it was just dull and flat. The blood that was spilling out all over the place throughout the movie was bright red and obviously fake. The dialogue was difficult to understand. They spoke in too much French. I could go on.

And I will. Because I particularly hated the ending immensely. I mean a good guy gets shot by another good guy and none of the bad guys except one actually get punished. It’s terrible! How is this supposed to be a lovely tale worth watching?

I truly do not understand why this won Best Picture. It did not exemplify any qualities a Best Picture movie should have. Now, maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I just really wanted Fiddler on the Roof to win. Maybe I am extra sensitive because it’s past midnight and I am cranky. Or maybe this was just a lousy movie.

Kramer Vs. Kramer

Kramer Vs. Kramer

1979

Tonight, the unexpected happened. My dishwasher began to melt.

I know you are laughing at this statement. But it is not funny. I have never been more worried about anything before in my life. Smoke and steam were pouring out of my dish cleaning device at an alarming rate, making some sort of black plastic slowly ooze out the front. I was convinced for a few seconds that it was going to eat me. Had you seen the site that I had beheld tonight, I am sure my dear friends that you would believe the same thing.

While all this was going on, I happened to be watching Kramer Vs. Kramer. Of course I would have to take breaks occasionally to make sure my large kitchen appliance hadn’t totally wasted away into a heap of useless plastic. That would indeed be a tragedy.

Ted Kramer likes to work. He likes it a lot. However, his wife hates the fact he is always working, and never paying any attention to her feelings, and in general being a fail of a husband. So of course, she leaves him, and their five year old son.

At first, Ted doesn’t do so well having a child to take full care of. He makes him French toast with the egg shells mixed in, things like that. But eventually after about a year or so, they finally begin to make it all work and become genuinely happy.

Of course, in a movie, when things are going splendidly you know everything is about to turn rotten.

This movie is no exception. First Ted is hit with the news his ex has returned to New York City and is wanting custody of Billy, their now seven year old boy. Of course Ted is rather attached to Billy and says no. So off to a courtroom they must go! Oh look that rhymed! Maybe I should do that more of the time.

But not before Ted loses his job due to missing some stuff because of being a single parent. This makes his case to win Billy nearly impossible. Scratch that. It is impossible. So Ted races off, three days before Christmas, to find a job, any job.

Luckily, he does! It is below him and he takes a pay cut, but it is still a job. He doesn’t care. He would have probably worked at McDonald’s if he had to. Everything is secure to head off to the courtroom.

Now, I could write this long, dramatic paragraph about how they argue back and forth and have to wait for the news an agonizing amount of days, or I could just tell you bluntly that Ted looses Billy. Its heart wrenching. Honestly, if you don’t feel even a tinge of sadness when this happens, it is apparent you are cruel AND heartless AND have no soul.

Things were looking pretty down, and with only four minutes left it looked like this movie could win the award for saddest movie ever. But Meryl Streep saves the day! She is the wife, and she says she will not take the boy home because he already is home. She is giving up custody and everyone is happy. Except probably her. The End.

Oh. My. Goodness. Can I just go on and on for like, about twenty minutes about the acting in this film? It was wonderful! Some of the best I have seen. All the main characters were nominated for either Best Acting or Best Supporting Acting. Dustin Hoffman, who played Ted, was able to portray a man who was at first deeply hurt but then grew and fiercely loved his son. Meryl Streep won an award too but she was in the movie for only fifteen minutes tops so I don’t have anything to say except that it is amazing that her nose doesn’t get red when she cries. This is a skill I must ask her to teach me one day. Even the little boy was able to act much better than I am able to and he was only six! He was an actor who was far better at his craft than many people four times his age.

I wouldn’t say this was a joy to watch, because honestly it was hard to watch all the pain every character was going through. But it was still an excellently made movie. Now if you excuse me, I have a dishwasher to save.

On the Waterfront

On the Waterfront
1954

My birthday is coming up in three weeks. There are three things that if I received them, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

1. Lotso, the bear from Toy Story 3. He’s evil, pink, smells like strawberries, and sold at the Disney store. What is not to love about something that is that combination of things, especially being sold at the Disney store. It is the most fabulous place on the planet.
2. A pigeon.
3. A time machine, specifically for the use of going back in time to become best friends with Marlon Brando. I don’t care if he was a bit of a diva, he seemed somewhat wonderful in On the Waterfront.

Okay. So here is the story, as I think it went. It was slightly confusing and I watched it over three days of time, so forgive me if I get a detail wrong.

We open with a guy named Johnny being thrown out a window to his death. He was going to testify against the mob, and that unfortunately for him was a poor life decision. Terry, played by the fabulous Marlon Brando, knows that it was the mobs fault. He has some connections to this mob. His brother Charlie is the lawyer for the head boss guy. After having a personal talk with Head Boss Guy, Terry is sure that he was the one behind the killing. But he decides to testify, as he would like to live.

But it’s all good! Some other man decides to testify to bring Head Boss Guy in to jail! However when he makes this decision, he is soon crushed by a million tons of Irish whiskey. This further ensues that Terry will not testify.

But he falls in love with Johnny’s, the first dead guy, sister, and she changes his mind on the subject. It also helps that the mob kills his brother. Off he goes to testify! He breaks the case and everyone in the legal system loves him.

Of course the mob hates him a lot know. But they don’t try to kill him because they already have been caught. Because Terry is stupid he goes down and fights Head Boss Guy until he can barely walk, the stumbles off to work. The end.

Now, if this is indeed what happened, I rather liked this movie. I really love Marlon Brando. He had an amazing accent, interesting eyebrows, and he walked around in a red plaid jacket for most of the movie. How cool is that? Since this movie was in black and white, I am not entirely sure that the jacket was red, but come on. All cool jackets are red, so this one must be. How is my logic for you?

One thing that this movie in particular succeeded in was epic speeches. The priest, whose name I do not know, had many inspiring speeches about justice and not letting the mob win. Terry had a few good lines too, including the third best movie line of all time, “…I coulda had class…” according to the American Film Institute’s list.

The acting was great, Marlon Brando of course being absolutely awesome in his role. Edie, the girl, was played with just the right amounts of emotion by Eva Marie Saint, who won an Oscar for her efforts in this film.

But you want to know the best thing about this movie? It had pigeons. Carrier pigeons to be exact. They were so cute and fat and fluffy, you couldn’t help but fall in love with them, and at the same time, this movie.

West Side Story

West Side Story
1961

Forbidden love is bad. It ends up hurting many people, including you.

But you know what? It makes for a fabulous story.

This is the beautiful, yet tragic story of Romeo and Juliet, set in New York City and with some gang drama thrown in. We have our American gang, the Jets, and we have our Puerto Rican gang, the Sharks. The Sharks are a bazillion times cooler, and a gazillion times more attractive, for the record. These two gangs hate each other with an intense passion.

So what of course happens? Tony, an ex Jet, and Maria, the leader of the Sharks Bernardo’s sister, fall in love. It was rather stupid of them if you think about it.

But they couldn’t help it. They saw each other at a dance and the world just stopped. Literally. But of course, as soon as they get together, their gangs attempt to break them up. But nothing can stop true love. Except maybe death, but we will get to that later.

The reason they were all together at the dance was because the Jets’ leader Riff wanted to challenge the Sharks to a rumble. They accept and meet later to establish terms of fighting. When this said fight happens, it does not go well. Riff is stabbed to death by Bernardo. Tony is enraged as he was Riff’s best friend, and in turn kills Bernardo.

Chino, the boy everyone wants Maria to love, runs to her to tell her what Tony has done. She at first does not believe him, but eventually accepts the truth. Does this make her feelings for Tony vanish? Of course not she’s a silly girl who is in love.
When you care about someone you hardly ever listen to rational thought or logic, like, “Hmm, maybe this guy is bad because he killed my brother.” Or “Maybe I shouldn’t go out with him because my best friend Rita doesn’t like him.” Or “Maybe I should run away screaming from this crazy man because he wanted to satanically slap my parents.” The last one doesn’t particularly apply to West Side Story, but it is still good to avoid such people.

Maria and Tony decide to run away together. They meet at a candy store, see the other, and start running towards each other. But Chino comes out with a gun and shoots Tony dead. It’s terrible. Maria then rants beautifully, that it was their hate for each other that killed Riff, Bernardo, and Tony, and the movie ends.

Cynical comments aside, I love this movie. It’s a musical, so that of course gives it huge bonus points from me. But here is the thing that makes this movie so completely spectacular. It’s choreography is AMAZING. I mean, besides the slight hilarity of gangs dancing like girls, this is so cool to watch. Jerome Robbins one a special award from the Oscars because of how brilliant this was.

The only complaint I have is the whole love at first sight thing. This is a completely ridiculous notion that only crazy people believe in. I would say no offense, but if you do believe in something as outlandish such as this, you deserve to have your feelings hurt.

But other than that slight minor detail, this movie was wonderfully made and enjoyable to watch.

The Sound of Music

The Sound of Music
1965

I am going to become a nun.

Why you may ask? Well, I am pretty sure it has something to do with the fact I have been watching way too much of The Sound of Music lately. It recently became my two year old sister’s favorite movie, and when given to choice to do school, or watch this, I think it is obvious what one should do.

As I have been watching this movie three times daily, I have realized what fun it would be to become a nun! I mean, they seem rather happy, and they are always singing! I have been told this is only the case in movies, and in real life nuns are not like this, but I think the people who say this are only out to crush my dreams and aspirations for the future. Silly people.

Maria is a nun. But she’s a pretty crappy one it turns out. She’s always late for everything, except for every meal. That’s part of one of the many songs that are just destined to be stuck in your head for days at a time.

So, she’s always late, she blurts out things without thinking, and sings without permission. So what else is there to do but ship her off to become a governess for a family with seven children and no mother?

As she arrives at the house with the insane amount of children, Maria is taught by Captain Von Trapp the father, how to run the strict house. It involves whistles, and is odd. As soon as the Captain leaves, Maria ditches all the strict rules and teaches the children how to have fun, winning them over. She also makes them all matching clothes, which is oh so cute.

Of course, the Captain comes back, and is very unhappy with them singing and being happy. But after they serenade him with a lovely song, he becomes completely fine with it.

Oh. He brought back a girl with him on his trip and this girl is jealous of Maria, who likes the Captain. Mean girl eventually convinces Maria to go back to the convent and everyone is sad.

At the nun place, the head nun tells Maria to stop being a nun and return to the Von Trapps because she is in love with the Captain and that is not something nuns really should be apparently. Plus it will make her happy. So off Maria goes! Yay!

But, of course, the Captain is now engaged to the mean girl. But he soon wisens (this is a word I just made up) up and realizes he loves Maria and marries her instead. Yay!

Again things can’t be happy for too long in this movie it seems. The Captian is being forced into the navy again, but with the Nazis since they all live in Austria. He really does not agree with the Nazis so they run away and treck across the mountains singing. The end.

I absolutely love this movie, for pretty much one reason. It’s a musical, and a fabulous one at that. The songs are just perfect. After watching this movie I always go around singing what my favorite things are, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens in case you have not seen this movie. Julie Andrews does a superb job as the odd Maria, and you cannot help but love her in this movie. The only problem I really have with this movie is that it is three hours long and after awhile it is extremely hard to pay attention. That may just be me though, as I have the attention span of a goldfish.

And I am so dead serious about becoming a nun.