The Broadway Melody

The Broadway Melody

1929

This isn’t fair.

One person should not have to go through so much suffering. I am beginning to wonder, were any of the Best Picture winners actually any good?! The occasionally wonderful movie (Annie Hall, The Godfather, or On the Waterfront for example) do give me some hope that whoever decides that a particular film wins this award actually has some taste in movies. But a lot of the time I think they are completely off their rocker.

My other theory is that they blindfold a drunk monkey and have it throw darts at the nominations to determine a winner. It could be the case.

I am sure you have guessed by now that I did not like The Broadway Melody. I am sure you would not either. It was simply depressing. And boring. And made me want to rip out my eardrums. And burn them.

This is a tale about two dancing sisters, Queenie and Hank (yay I actually remembered their names!) who are trying to make it big in New York. These are such terrible names. Why on earth would anyone name their daughter Hank? It’s seems so obvious that they wished she was a boy. Poor Hank. This is reason number one I feel bad for Hank. Hank’s boyfriend Eddie works for this huge theatre producer named… Mr. Z. We will go with that. Anyway, Eddie shows Mr. Z the girls’ act and he likes it. Well, sorta. Mr. Z only likes Queenie. This is reason number two I feel bad for Hank. But since Eddie is a great boyfriend he convinces them to add in Hank.

As the show goes along, Queenie starts seeing someone. This makes Hank mad. This makes no sense. Maybe I shouldn’t feel bad for Hank, since she is a hypocritical over protective loony pants.

As Queenie keeps seeing this man, Eddie becomes jealous. He realizes he loves Queenie. Queenie realizes she loves him.

…What? What about Hank?! Does anyone in this movie care about her at all?! I mean, she’s the smarter one! The prettier one too. She makes all of the sisters’ business plans. But no. Everyone wants dumb ugly Queenie. This is reason number three I feel bad for Hank, the most underrated character in film history.

And isn’t this breaking like, a number one sister rule? You can’t go after your sister’s dude? I feel as if Queenie, even if she was dumber than a bag of hammers, should have known this.

So Eddie ditches Hank, and then he and Queenie get married, leaving Hank to figure out an act for herself. The end.

Even if you had offered me a million dollars and a pink monkey that sings, one that is hopefully not drunk, I wouldn’t be able to come up with a worse ending than that one. I feel like this was a complete attack against Hank. What did the makers of this movie have against her? Why did they hate her so much? She’s not even real! But they had to go and make her life miserable anyway. Never have I seen such cruelty towards a person in my life. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hank just went and offed herself now. It’s not like anyone wants her. Not even her parents, who wanted her to be a boy! Poor Hank.

Besides the tragic treatment of Hank, this movie sucked hardcore. The songs were just awful. As was the dancing. Not a single character had a personality. Except Hank. I guess the writers were decent enough to give her that, since they ruined her entire life. Goodness. Poor Hank.

This movie was also just boring. It didn’t have all that much of a plot. It moved very slowly, like a molasses river in Maine in the middle of March. I nearly fell asleep many times. That had nothing to do with the fact I was all snuggled up on the comfiest bed ever. Seriously. This bed is like sleeping on a cloud. Memory foam is the most fantastic thing in the world. I want it on my bed. Like now.

…Anyway. This movie is dumb. Poor Hank