The Silence of the Lambs

The Silence of the Lambs

1991

Does anyone know who Alfred Packer is? For those of you who do not, it is time for a history lesson! That’s just what you wanted, right? Of course! Alfred Packer was a prospector back in the 1800’s. He is also said to be the only person in the United States to be convicted of cannibalism. While wandering throughout the Rocky Mountains with five other men, Packer and his team become extremely lost. Let’s just being lost and snow filled mountains are not a fun combination. Especially when you run out of supplies. It is definitely not pleasant when one of your team members is a crazy man who doesn’t mind munching down on you for a snack. Technically, Packer was imprisoned for manslaughter, as they couldn’t prove that he actually ate his comrades. However, his legend lives on. He’s become infamous and even the University of Colorado at Boulder named a cafeteria grill the “Alfred G Packer Memorial Grill” so that you can “have a friend for lunch!” Coloradians are weird, weird people.

So what does Alfred Packer have to do with The Silence of the Lambs? Well, really, nothing.

Don’t worry. I didn’t give you a large introduction that had absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand. That wouldn’t be too surprising though, knowing my track record on staying on track. You’re very lucky I didn’t begin by ranting about squirrels or squashes or sasquatches or squirrel sasquatches or sasquatches squashing squirrels or… Where was I?

Right. Cannibalism. Hannibal Lector is one. Hannibal the cannibal. How clever. Fun fact! Hannibal Lector is not a real person! I did not think this at all when I was a child. Nope. Not even. What kind of name is Hannibal anyway? If you name your child that, you are practically asking for them to start making a meal out of their fellow human beings. Just don’t do it.

Hannibal is an insane, yet brilliant man who is imprisoned for the murder and consumption of many people. He is locked away in maximum security prison and left alone from the world. Until the FBI needs his help. A new serial killer is on the loose, and they require the insight only a man like Lector could give them. However, this help comes at a dear cost.

And that’s all you get to know! No, I am not being lazy because it’s one ten in the morning and I am tired and want to go to sleep and don’t feel like going through exactly what happens in this movie. Well. I am. But that’s not the only reason I’m stopping there! If I tell you exactly what happens, it ruins the movie! This is a movie I personally think is worth seeing, if you enjoy the serial killer mystery freaky kind of movies. Which I do. 

Another fun fact! This movie was the most recent of the only three movies to ever win all five major Academy Awards. The catagories considered to be major are Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, Best Screenplay (either adapted or original. Obviously it cannot win both.) and Best Picture. Only two other movies besides this one have achieved this goal: It Happened One Night and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It deserved each of these awards, particularly Best Actor. Anthony Hopkins brought Hannibal Lector to life in a most terrifying and creepy way that will likely cause me to lose sleep tonight due to the fact I’ll be worried a crazed man wants to eat my internal organs. Not a fun thought, let me tell you. I rather like my kidneys. I do believe most people are rather fond of them. Except maybe Coloradians. Weirdos. 

Rocky

Rocky

1976

I still exist. This blog still exists. I know, it’s a little shocking. I myself am beyond stunned. When I said I was going on hiatus, I never intended to take an entire year off. For that I apologize. I was busy with various things, such as school, theatre, and breaking to blog Disney movies. However, I’ve always planned on coming back to this project.  It’s very special to me, and I am determined to finish it, no matter how long it takes. I will watch all eighty five Best Picture winners, if it is the last thing I do! It very well might be. Now on to Rocky!

One thing I learned while watching Rocky is that I don’t know anything about boxing. Nothing. Well, I do know you have to punch the other person. A lot. And try to knock them out. But if you do knock them out, sometimes they just get back up and start hitting you again. I truly do not understand. If anyone understands boxing, you should attempt to explain it to me. Because I am currently very confused.

Rocky is an amateur boxer. In order to pay bills, he works as a debt collector for a creepy man. Seriously, this man is a jerk. He orders Rocky to break people’s thumbs. He is occasionally nice to Rocky, as he gives him money from time to time, but still. Messing up someone’s digits is extremely rude. Thumbs are important body parts! How would anyone be able to do things, such as texting! Wouldn’t that be sad? I suppose that they didn’t have texting in the 70’s, so thumbs weren’t as necessary as they are now. Now I feel like I am beginning to sound like a stereotypical modern teenager, so all discussions of texting shall end now. It’s also not particularly relevant to the rest of the movie, but I felt like I needed to share my distain for the breakage of thumbs.

Anyway, that’s Rocky’s life. He boxes, works, feeds his pet turtles, and hits on his best friend’s sister, Adrian. This is the second thing I don’t understand about this movie. Adrian. The girl. She’s not attractive. Click on this link. CLICK IT.

See? Not so much. I’m not the only one who thought this. My brother completely agreed with me. Neither of us understood why Rocky continued to pursue this girl. I swear we aren’t a shallow family.

Along with lacking in the looks department, Adrian never talks. Ever. She’s incredibly shy. Watching her on the screen was almost painful. I felt sorry for Rocky. She seemed like a boring flirting partner. He would have had better luck flirting with a brick wall. It would certainly be more fun.

Eventually, for some unknown reason, Rocky convinces awkward Arian to go out with him. They have a dandy time and eventually become lovers and everyone is super happy. Yay. Whatever. It’s not that important. This isn’t supposed to be a story about love! It’s supposed to be about beating up people! Because that’s what boxing is! I think.

While all of this is going on, Rocky has a stroke of luck regarding his kind of pathetic boxing career. Apollo Creed, the heavyweight champion of the world! needs an opponent for the championship. Somehow he decides to fight Rocky for the title.

Again. I am confused. How does the title work? This whole boxing sport is so mind boggling. Why does Rocky get to go for it? Isn’t he an amateur? Do they let just anyone fight for these titles? What exactly is a title? Can I get one? Can I fight for the championship against Apollo Creed? I don’t think I’d want to, but could I? Would Apollo Creed be okay with punching a girl? That’d be almost as rude as snapping my thumbs! We all know how terrible that would be! How else would I text?! Does anyone understand boxing?! Am I the only one lacking knowledge in this subject? My brain hurts.

Rocky trains forever for this fight. His training includes running up a lot of stairs, beating up halved cows in a meat factory (which is absolutely disgusting. Why would anyone want to actually touch the carcass of a dead thing? Talk about nasty.), and doing an insane amount of pushups. Watching him get in shape made me feel so lazy. I feel like I need to go for a five mile run now and starting chugging raw eggs. Maybe if I do that for a while, I one day can be as strong as Rocky! This seems like a good plan.

Eventually the day for this fight comes! Apollo and Rocky punch each other. A lot. Sometimes they fall down. But then they’re allowed to get back up and keep at it. Heavy sigh. After 15 rounds, they stop. The referees announce that Apollo is the winner! How that happened, I have no idea. Apparently all those raw eggs and punching cows didn’t help Rocky. I guess I need to rethink my great plan mentioned in the above paragraph. I should take up rock climbing! Perhaps yoga. Anything but boxing. I already know that is not my thing. I rather like my face intact. Anyway, Rocky doesn’t care that he lost the fight that he trained for months for, because he has ugly, odd Adrian. How sweet. The end.

In case it wasn’t clear, this was a boxing movie. Which is a confusing sport. In case I haven’t mentioned that. For a sports movie, this was acceptable. The underdog didn’t actually win, which was a nice thing! Not to sound too cynical, but sometimes it’s nice to watch the protagonist lose. That sounds completely cynical. But that’s life. It’s also confusing. Just like Rocky!

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

1975

I have tragic news. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am dying. It’s sad, but true. I mean, my legs hurt, my tummy hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my face hurts. I bet I have bird flu. Can I even get bird flu? Do you have to be part bird to get it? I bet I am part bird! That would explain some things. I have been called a loon before. Everything is clear now.

You know who else is a loon? Every character from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I mean what else would you expect when a movie is set in a mental institution?

McMurphy, the main man, (yay alliteration) has gotten himself into a loony bin, even though he is likely not insane. He just wanted to get out of the farm where he was serving his sentence for statutory rape. Being a lazy butt, he wanted to get away from all the hard work he had to do on this farm. Now he gets to hang out with a bunch of crazies. I don’t know how this is better than a prison farm but whatever.

In this institution, we have your typical patients, the delusional, the paranoid, the suicidal, the really big guy who never speaks, you know, the usual. The ward is run by the seemingly-nice-but-really-she’s-evil Nurse Ratched. She’s very controlling, degrading, and ugly. Every morning she makes a group of the patients sit through this mind numbing routine of a sort of therapy session. I wouldn’t really call it that though because no one ends up better through it, no one really talks in it, and its purpose to exist seems only to prove everyone needs to be at the insane asylum longer.

Mc Murphy and Ratched become fast enemies. He’ll try to have the patients out vote her in something, and she’ll ration their cigarettes. One day, McMurphy decides to steal a bus full of all of the crazy people from the institution, and take them fishing. Along the way they pick up one of his old girlfriends Candy. As they spend a day fishing, everyone is beginning to feel better about themselves and Billy, a stuttering adorable young man, has taken a liking to Candy. This will be important later.

Of course, when they get back, they get into a lot of trouble. Ratched tightens her grip on the group tremendously, even using shock therapy if needed. McMurphy, fed up of being there, plans his escape.

After bribing the night watchman and inviting Candy and one of her friends over, McMurphy throws a party for the ward. They all get totally wasted on the alcohol Candy and her friend brought. At the end, as McMurphy, Candy, her friend, and Chief (the tall, deaf, mute who turns out to not be deaf or mute) all are about to leave through the window. McMurphy notices how much Billy likes Candy, and asks him to come with them. Stuttering, Billy says he can’t, that he’s not ready for the real world. He would however like to see Candy again. So instead of leaving, McMurphy suggests that Candy and Billy sleep together right then and there.

Seriously? He must have been insanely intoxicated. That was a ridiculously stupid thing to do. Why would you delay your escape from a mental institution, just so your buddy can have sex with your ex girlfriend?! Maybe McMurphy really was crazy after all…

Anyway, Billy and Candy agree to his idea. They run off to a cell to do the deed. While that’s going on, the affects of the excessive alcohol are starting to take its toll on everyone’s system, including McMurphy’s, and they all pass out.

The next morning, Nurse Ratched walks in to quite the surprise. All of her patients are sprawled across the floor, along with some girls she’s never seen before. She demands a head count, and finds Billy missing. After discovering him and Candy, she attempts to embarrass him in front of the group. However, it doesn’t work. For the first time in the whole film, Billy speaks confidentially, with no stutter whatsoever. His buddies are thrilled.

But, remember, Ratched is pure evil, and purposefully asks him what his mother would think of him. Billy then starts punching himself repeatedly, causing the staff to take him into another room to be dealt with. Foolishly, they leave him alone, and he slits his throat with a piece of glass, and dies. I really hate Ratched. She is a [not a nice word].

Enraged, McMurphy starts to strangle Ratched for what happened to Billy. Everyone is too shocked to stop him. Yay! Maybe he’ll actually kill her! Wouldn’t that be just wonderful?

Sadly, a staffer stops him, and they take him “upstairs,” and lobotomize him. Yeah. It sucks. Like a lot. The next day, we see Ratched has been taken down a notch, speaking in a very timid voice. At least something happy has happened in the end. None of the crazies know what has happened to McMurphy, so they assume he made a glorious escape and is out in the world now, happy. Only Chief knows what happened to him. Because that evening, when McMurphy is brought back to his bed, Chief realizes he’s a vegetable, then smothers him with a pillow, killing him. Chief then picks up this GIANT marble sink fixture, throws it through a window, and leaves the asylum. The end.

Well. Talk about a sad ending. I mean, killing off McMurphy wasn’t that big of a deal. He was played by Jack Nicholson, and he can get annoying at times, so seeing him go didn’t upset me too much. But they killed Billy! Well, Billy killed Billy. But still! Not. Cool. Though, when a movie has you so attached to a character that when they die it upsets you greatly, that must mean they are doing something right, right? I think so.

This movie is one of the three movies in the history of the Oscars to win what they call the Grand Slam, or Big Five. That is it wins the awards Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, and Best Screenplay. In order to win all of these, you must be an incredibly good movie. And that’s what this is. An incredibly good movie. It has the elements a good movie should have. Interesting characters, humor, tragedy, some thought provoking questions, and solid acting. I am glad to have seen this movie before my sadly approaching demise.

The Apartment

The Apartment

1960

Sometimes, people just suck. At many times in your life, they will do a number of cruel things to you. They will lie to you, hurt you, use you, and any other horrible things you can think of. There really isn’t much you can do about it.

In C.C Baxter’s life, people always suck. Especially his bosses. They like to take advantage of the fact he is a bachelor and has his own apartment. All of Baxter’s bosses are married, but have mistresses on the side. They take their mistresses to Baxter’s apartment, making him have to leave, sometimes on a moment’s notice. In return for his services, he get’s promotions and nice offices. It’s a nice deal. Until Miss Kubelik comes into the picture.

Miss Kubelik is one of the head bosses’ mistresses, one of the elevator operators, and the gal Baxtor happens to fancy. But she doesn’t like him. He barely exist to her. Because the only person in her world is Mr. Boss Guy. But of course, Mr. Boss Guy has a wife. This only complicates things slightly.

Actually this complicates things a lot. Since, Mr. Boss Guy refuses to leave his wife, Miss Kubelik attempts suicide, after she and Mr. Boss Guy have a fling at Baxter’s apartment. Baxter comes home to find her sprawled across his bed, unconscious, nearly dead. This is probably quite the shock. Fortunately, right next door lives a doctor, and he saves Miss Kubelik’s life. While she recovers, she stays with Baxter.

As she is recovering, Baxter realizes a few things. One, he loves Miss Kubelik. Like a lot. Like would love to marry her. Two, he actually has a spine, and would like to start saying no to his bosses when they want his apartment. The latter decision has him lose his job, but it’s okay, because in the end he gains Miss Kubelik. The end.

Oh my goodness. This movie was hilllllaaaaaaaaaaaioooooooussss. So hilarious, all those letters probably did not emphasis it enough. I know this movie dealt with some serious things, like affairs and suicide, but it was down in a way that was funny, and yet, not distasteful. Jack Lemmon, aka Mr. Baxter, was wonderful as a man originally afraid to say no, who then transformed into someone not scared to go for what he wanted. This is a delightful movie, one I would love to watch time and time again.

The Life of Emile Zola

The Life of Emile Zola

1937

Brush your teeth! Clean your room! Look both ways before you cross the road. Be nice to others. These are all common things that your mother would tell you to do as a child. Others include share your toys and be sure to always tell the truth. The latter I am sure was repeated to Emile Zola many a time by his own mother when he was young.

Emile Zola was a real life person, just for those of you who didn’t know that. He was a French writer in the 1800’s and early 1900’s. Now that we have those boring yet necessary details out of the way, I can tell you about his life! Yay!

Zola started out as this person who was so poor he had to stuff the cracks in his windows with dirty rags, as he couldn’t afford new windows. He lived with a fellow poor dude, some artist whose name I don’t remember. I could look it up, but I’m lazy and he’s not all that important anyway. They love to complain to each other how messed up society is, how no one writes the truth about how messed up society is, how everyone would rather have perfumed lies than the smelly truth about society, and on and on, blah blah blah. As they are complaining, they decide to burn some of the books they have that they disagree with. Unimportant man suggests they sell them because as you should remember, these people are dirt poor. But nope! Zola says they should BUUUUUUURRRRRN! And so they do.

Of course, these people are stupid and don’t open a window, causing their whole apartment to fill with smoke. Zola then spazzes out, thinking he’s going to die from asphyxiation or something. Wimp. He becomes paranoid about this very thing many times throughout the movie.

Anyway, he goes on to get a job, write a gazillion novels, grows a beard and gets fat. He moves into this fancy house and life is all good for him now. This all happens in roughly ten minutes of the movie, so I am not condensing it that much, trust me.

Now that he’s all rich from writing scathing things, exposing truth in France, his friend doesn’t really like him anymore and goes away forever. Oh well. Unimportant guy was boring anyway!

For the next thirty so minutes of the movie, we hear nothing about Zola. Apparently he’s not all that significant. It’s not like the movie is named after him and his life or anything. We focus on a soldier in French army named Dreyfus (Not Richard Dreyfuss, just to clarify for everyone, myself included). He is accused of treason for writing this list that involves guns and probably something else but I wasn’t really paying attention to it so obviously it’s not something worth remembering! Of course, Dreyfus is innocent. This is a fact no one cares about. So they send him away to Devil’s Island for a time long enough to turn his hair grey.

One of the colonel’s later finds the real traitor, but it doesn’t matter. Someone already is doing time for it, and actually telling the truth that they got the wrong guy would make the army look bad. The honor of the army is totally more important than truth. The French are such sensible people! I am never sarcastic!

We finally meet up with Zola again when Madame Dreyfus calls on him to write about how her husband is innocent and France is handling the whole affair horridly. Always searching for the truth, he agrees.

Because the French are stupid and their justice system is super screwy, Zola winds up guilty of libel and is sentenced to jail for a year. However, his lawyer advises he run away to England, where he can do more good for Dreyfus by continuing to write, and Zola agrees.

After another few years, or months, the movie wasn’t very clear on this, new people come in to power, and set everything straight on the Dreyfus affair. All the people responsible commit suicide and Dreyfus is returned to his officerness. Yay him!

Finally, it is safe for him to return to France, and Zola begins to write his “greatest work yet!” Engrossed, he leaves the stove on while furiously writing it, and ends up dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. Teehee. So funny. The end!

As I reread this, I realize I made this movie sound slightly ridiculous. However, I promise, it really isn’t! This was an engaging story. The injustice of the Dreyfus affair will, hopefully, anger you, especially since it actually happened. This was a rare film that actually had my full attention for more than two thirds of the movie. The first part was a little boring, but nothing is perfect in life. Except for me, of course, but I figured everyone already knew that. Even though this movie came out seventy four years ago, it doesn’t feel dated, it just feels wonderful.

Braveheart

Braveheart

1995

Blood is a good thing. It keeps you alive, and stuff, and I am very appreciative of it.

However, I am not a fan of it when it is outside of the body. It’s slimy, and red, and full of death when that happens. It stains things and is rather a nuisance.

I had to get over this whole blood=yuckers while watching Braveheart. As this was a movie that included brutal medieval warfare (this is what it was rated R for. I found it a little bit funny.), there is lots and lots AND LOTS of blood. Don’t try and tell me that it is tame and there are far more gruesome movies out there and blah de blah, I know what I saw. And that was blood.

But it’s okay because this was a fabulous movie. Before I continue with this blog, remember, that even though this was apparently based on history, really, 90% of the events and doings in this movie are messed up.

A very long time ago, the king of England was a jerk. He didn’t really seem to like the Scots all that much. So he decides to put into practice an old law called primae noctis. Yes, I will admit I had to look up what it is called. Get over it. This is a really dumb law. It means if you live on someone’s land that landowner has sexual rights to you on your wedding night, if you are a girl.

As you can imagine, the Scottish people didn’t really like this rule. Especially a man named William Wallace. So he and his love decide to marry secretly. It appears they may live out a happy and quiet life, with absolutely no violence or war whatsoever.

Well, it seemed that way for five minutes. Unfortunately, after she fights off a soldier who is trying to um, do things to her, the head soldier man slits Wallace’s new wife’s throat. This really pisses Wallace off. Like a lot. When he finds out he takes out many soldiers, and then slit the head soldier man’s throat. This starts a huge three hour rebellion against England.

In these three hours, there are lots of battles, blood, babies, betrayals, and beheadings. Wallace earns the respect of Robert the Bruce, the guy hopefully heading towards becoming king of Scotland. Eventually they get the English out of Scotland. However this is not enough for Wallace, and they soon begin to capture towns in England. This really angers the jerk king.

So he sends in his daughter in law to make a deal, all while planning on ambushing Wallace. But he was stupid and sent in girl, who likes Wallace, and tells him about the trap.

At the next battle, Wallace is impaled by an arrow. Some of the stupid Scottish nobles decide to bail on him, and Robert the Bruce, who shall now be called Brucey, actually joined the other side. However, Brucey feels pretty lousy about it, as he should, and saves Wallace’s life by giving him to one of his friends.

The fact the nobles did what they did was a dumb move on their part. They should have known that Wallace doesn’t like betrayals, and very bloodly kills them. They totally had it coming to them, the buttheads.

Even though everything seemed to be going so well for Wallace, he waltzes into a trap when he goes to meet with Brucey. Brucey’s father is a real nasty man, inside and especially out, and helped the soldiers catch Wallace.

In London, where Wallace is now being tried, the jerk king is dying. Haha serves him right. His daughter in law begs Wallace to ask for mercy, because she kind of loves him, but Wallace refuses and eventually is beheaded. I think. I was sort of hiding under my blanket during that part. Jerk king dies too. No one is sad.

After his death, Brucey picks up where Wallace left off and the Scots won their freedom for which they had been fighting for so long. The End.

Seriously. This is a fabulous movie. It’s engaging, and violent, and at times funny. It’s a wonderful story of how far someone will fight for something that they truly believe in.

It was about time I watched something good.

The Broadway Melody

The Broadway Melody

1929

This isn’t fair.

One person should not have to go through so much suffering. I am beginning to wonder, were any of the Best Picture winners actually any good?! The occasionally wonderful movie (Annie Hall, The Godfather, or On the Waterfront for example) do give me some hope that whoever decides that a particular film wins this award actually has some taste in movies. But a lot of the time I think they are completely off their rocker.

My other theory is that they blindfold a drunk monkey and have it throw darts at the nominations to determine a winner. It could be the case.

I am sure you have guessed by now that I did not like The Broadway Melody. I am sure you would not either. It was simply depressing. And boring. And made me want to rip out my eardrums. And burn them.

This is a tale about two dancing sisters, Queenie and Hank (yay I actually remembered their names!) who are trying to make it big in New York. These are such terrible names. Why on earth would anyone name their daughter Hank? It’s seems so obvious that they wished she was a boy. Poor Hank. This is reason number one I feel bad for Hank. Hank’s boyfriend Eddie works for this huge theatre producer named… Mr. Z. We will go with that. Anyway, Eddie shows Mr. Z the girls’ act and he likes it. Well, sorta. Mr. Z only likes Queenie. This is reason number two I feel bad for Hank. But since Eddie is a great boyfriend he convinces them to add in Hank.

As the show goes along, Queenie starts seeing someone. This makes Hank mad. This makes no sense. Maybe I shouldn’t feel bad for Hank, since she is a hypocritical over protective loony pants.

As Queenie keeps seeing this man, Eddie becomes jealous. He realizes he loves Queenie. Queenie realizes she loves him.

…What? What about Hank?! Does anyone in this movie care about her at all?! I mean, she’s the smarter one! The prettier one too. She makes all of the sisters’ business plans. But no. Everyone wants dumb ugly Queenie. This is reason number three I feel bad for Hank, the most underrated character in film history.

And isn’t this breaking like, a number one sister rule? You can’t go after your sister’s dude? I feel as if Queenie, even if she was dumber than a bag of hammers, should have known this.

So Eddie ditches Hank, and then he and Queenie get married, leaving Hank to figure out an act for herself. The end.

Even if you had offered me a million dollars and a pink monkey that sings, one that is hopefully not drunk, I wouldn’t be able to come up with a worse ending than that one. I feel like this was a complete attack against Hank. What did the makers of this movie have against her? Why did they hate her so much? She’s not even real! But they had to go and make her life miserable anyway. Never have I seen such cruelty towards a person in my life. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hank just went and offed herself now. It’s not like anyone wants her. Not even her parents, who wanted her to be a boy! Poor Hank.

Besides the tragic treatment of Hank, this movie sucked hardcore. The songs were just awful. As was the dancing. Not a single character had a personality. Except Hank. I guess the writers were decent enough to give her that, since they ruined her entire life. Goodness. Poor Hank.

This movie was also just boring. It didn’t have all that much of a plot. It moved very slowly, like a molasses river in Maine in the middle of March. I nearly fell asleep many times. That had nothing to do with the fact I was all snuggled up on the comfiest bed ever. Seriously. This bed is like sleeping on a cloud. Memory foam is the most fantastic thing in the world. I want it on my bed. Like now.

…Anyway. This movie is dumb. Poor Hank

Gigi

Gigi
1958

Once upon at time, not too long ago, there lived this very sad, young, and might I say attractive, girl. Why was she sad, you may wonder? Because it seemed like lately all she had been watching were movies that made her want to poke out her own eyeballs with a blunt stick, just so she would never have to suffer through an excruciating film again. I can assure you; these movies were really that bad. But this girl seemed to find a glimmer of hope. A light at the end of the tunnel you could call it. She was very excited to watch this movie, and be so entranced with it that she would soon forget all the horrid movies she had seen in her past. As she sat down to watch Gigi, her dreams and hopes for a good piece of cinema came crashing down at an alarming rate.

First of all, she thought this movie was extremely hard to understand. As it was set in Paris, understandably everyone had a French accent. This is not always a bad thing, but when it makes a film so that you can’t hear what the characters are saying unless you have subtitles on, these accents become something of the devil, or so the young and attractive but sad girl thought.

Besides the speech, the story made little sense as well. Gigi, the main character (dur) is being raised by her grandmother because her mother is off her rocker. She is an opera singer, and a very bad one at that. So poor Gigi is forced to live with her grandma, whose ideas are bizarre. She doesn’t seem to like the idea of marriage and would rather train Gigi, with the help of her equally odd sister, to be a courtesan. But once a guy nearly twice Gigi’s age starts showing interest in her and asks to marry her they suddenly change their minds and marriage is alright by them. This made the girl sadly watching this movie’s brain hurt quite a bit! Why would they change so suddenly? Why didn’t they like the idea of marriage in the first place? Why are they all so hard to understand? These must be added to the many unanswered questions the girl had about life, such as why cats always land on their feet or why there is only one shoe out of a pair on the side of the highway. These questions are enough to keep people up all night.

Finally, the two hours of torture were done. The young and attractive but sad girl sighed a great sigh of relief as she remembered she would never have to watch such a strange and uninteresting movie again. But as she realized the next film on her list was likely going to be just as terrible, she collapsed on the ground and cried for three days straight. Thus ends this tragic tale I have told you today.

Going My Way

Going My Way
1944

You want to know a super cool but super secrety secret?

CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I guess that isn't much of a secret, but still. It's flippin' awesome.

Now that I have that out of my system, we can continue.

You know what is not as cool as Christmas? Well, like everything, but I was thinking in this particular case Going My Way. It doesn’t even come close to being as extremely awesome. In fact it’s rather lame. Boring even. Dreadfully so.

This is a story about a Father. Father O’Malley. He sings. He loves to sing, and play baseball, and all sorts of other things that drive his head father man guy thing crazy. This grumpy old father is named Father Fitzgibbon, which is like the most ridiculous name in the entire world. But he’s Irish so I will forgive him.

At the church they work in, a rather horrible thing is about to happen. The bank man, who looks exactly like the mean bank man from It’s a Wonderful Life, but isn’t which is completely weird and non related (Maybe all evil bank guys look the same. Maybe they are all clones! It’s a conspiracy), is trying to foreclose on them because they have been not paying their mortgage. But Father O’Malley has a plan! He decides to write a song and get the neighborhood gang in on it as a boy choir. It’s destined to be an amazing hit called, “Going My Way.”

But, the studio didn’t like it. Not one bit. Oh well I suppose that’s life. To mourn, or just get over their rejection, the choir and father sing a song about not wanting to be a donkey, or something like that. The studio man heard it and loved it! They have the money now!

And then the church burns down. Teehee. Oh I am sorry, that is totally not funny at all. I meant to say it’s terribly tragic.

It’s okay because eventually they start construction on a new church after Father O’Malley’s old girlfriend sends in a ton of money on their Christmas Eve service. She is an opera star and took the gang choir on tour with her. Everyone is happy, including grumpy father, who got to see his mommy finally after 45 years. Oh and Father O’Malley is randomly transferred to a new church. The End.

This movie made me sleepy. One reason it did that was because there was not a single attractive person in this movie. It was so depressing. Why would you want to watch a two hour movie if there is no one pretty to stare at? It’s seems like a waste of time if you ask me. Also, the movie had too many ridiculous subplots. I only mentioned about half of them above. The others were just not all that important to the total plot I suppose. That all said this movie had its moments. Like when the two gang guys were slapping each other. Or the basket of puppies. Oh my gosh. You haven’t seen cute puppies since you have seen these ones. So it wasn’t all a complete waste of time

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and I hope very much it is much more entertaining than this movie!

Patton

Patton
1970

I’m going to let you in on a secret from me
It’s rather odd, soon you will see.
I have this addiction to rhyme,
I could even do it on a lime!
“Oh lime, of the shade green,
You really are pretty keen.”
See look at that! Wasn’t it grand?
Now let’s get on to this movie about a man.

Patton was this dude’s name,
Being annoying was his game.
He was a general in the army,
And he really wasn’t charmy.
Yes I made up that word.
It’s pretty much the coolest thing I have ever heard.

Anywho let’s continue with this jerk.
He really was a piece of work.
He slapped a soldier right in the face!
He thought he deserved it, he was wrong in this case.
This got him in trouble, oh quite a lot
But even so he still fought.
Eventually people got fed up with him.
They made him stay back it was really dim.
Then they got over it, and asked for him back.
And then he was allowed to attack.

BAM! ZAM! POW!
The war was over now!
But Patton our man
Who didn’t need a tan
Was still ever mean
And called a Russian, who was not lean,
A name which I shall not repeat here,
For it is not something you would endear.
But he realized he was the same as that name,
And he took a drink with the Russian, all the same.

He nearly was run over by a cart,
Which really should have happened right from the start.
But I had no luck, he walked away for a mile,
And then went to live on for a while.

That is the jist of it.
The man Patton was not much of a hit.
He was ugly and rude, and way too strict
And really, he made me quite ticked.
Therefore, even though funny it could be
This is a movie I would never re-see.

The Godfather

The Godfather
1972

I am perpetually afraid of oranges now. Obviously when one is seen it means impending doom, something I’d rather avoid.

Before I start, I would like to apologize in advance for the fact I do not know anyone’s names except Sonny and Michael’s. It’s just so hard to remember Italian names for me!

Marlon Brando is the head of a mob family. His real name is obviously not Marlon Brando. He has four children, Sonny, Connie, Michael and Son I Do Not Know.

Connie is getting married. To a really big jerk but that’s beside the point for now. At this wedding is a singer named Johnny. I think. We’ll just call him Johnny. He asks Brando for help getting another movie job because his career is lacking. So Brando sends Robert Duvall, his own private lawyer and basic son, off to Hollywood to talk to the producer and make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Apparently he could refuse it. So as the producer is refusing it, he shows Duvall his prize race horse and we see some oranges on the table. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!

The next morning the producer wakes up to see his horses head at the foot of his bed. Fun fact! It was a real horse head used in the movie that they got from a dog food company. Now that I think of it, maybe that fact isn’t so fun after all. Oh well. The producer quickly signs Johnny.

When Duvall comes back, the whole gang meets up with the big nosed ugly man. BNUM wants them to protect some kind of drug thingy, but Brando doesn’t like this idea and says no. He later sends his enforcer to go learn more about it, but BNUM stabs him in the hand then garrotes him to death.

Isn’t that like, the coolest thing ever? He was garroted to death! That is right up there with awesome ways to kill someone, along with drawn and quartered. Please excuse my morbidness as we return to the plot now.

Brando is out buying, wait for it…. ORANGES. And then he gets shot in the back five times. That must have hurt. When Michael, the one son who isn’t involved in the family business, goes to visit his father, and saves his father from another murder attempt. This one little scrawny dude was supposed to be watching Brando, but he was sick. So of course he gets shot in the head.

Everyone is still mad at the attempt on Brando’s life. So they send Michael to shoot the people, including BNUM, in the head. Lots of head shots in this movie. He does it and then rushes off to be safe in Italy. There he marries this girl, but she soon gets BLOWN UP in a fiery explosion meant for Michael.

Remember how Connie’s husband is a jerk? Well, he beat her up and she told Sonny about it. Sonny chases down jerk husband and beats him to a pulp. WHILE JERK HUSBAND WAS WEARING ORANGE! But alas, he doesn’t learn and beats Connie again. Sonny runs down to beat him up again, when he passes a sign for ORANGE JUICE. Oh no Sonny! Don’t go! He drives up to a toll booth and is shot at least 47 times. This causes him to die.

Brando has a meeting with the head of the five families. There are ORANGES on the table, but, the achieve peace. It makes no sense!

Next, Brando has a heart attack with an orange in his mouth, Michael takes over as the head of the business, he has the other heads of the five families killed (ah NOW the oranges on the table make sense) as he is being named godfather of Connie’s baby, and then has jerk husband garroted for helping in the “Let’s kill Sonny!” plot. Connie gets sad, his new wife gets mad, but Michael lies and says he didn’t do it and then everyone is happy. The end.

So how was this? Well. The acting was brilliant. The story was brilliant. The orange thing was brilliant. The movie was brilliant.

Out of Africa

Out of Africa
1985

Alright. I know I have said I am in complete love with many actors before, but every time I was lying. I do not really wish to marry Marlon Brando, or Gregory Peck, or anyone else. Because, my true love, is Robert Redford.

He has starred in two of my favorite movies of all time, The Sting, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In both he was absolutely spectacular. But just recently, a tragedy occurred in my relationship with Mr. Redford.

HE LET ME DOWN. The little jerk betrayed my trust in him and made an awful movie! At first, I was in shock. How could Robert Redford fail?! But alas, I do suppose everyone is human and is allowed to fail once in their life, so my complete adoration of him has not really changed. But this does not change the fact I completely abhor with great passion the movie that is Out of Africa.

First, we do not begin in Africa. We start in Denmark, where our main lady Karen has decided to go into a marriage of convenience with one of her buddies. She should have known how stupid of an idea this was. She is now semi-happy with her little (really, he’s short) baron husband, and off they go to use her money to buy a dairy farm in Africa.

But oops! Little Baron forgot to mention he used her money to buy a coffee plantation, and then goes off hunting all the time, leaving her to do all the work. He’s really not a nice guy now is he?

He also sleeps around and gives poor Karen syphilis. What a jerk. She has to go back to Denmark to get better, which she does eventually do, but the disease has left her unable to have children. I repeat. Little Baron is a jerk.

But that’s okay! Because Karen has found a lover in Denys (I spelled it right, I promise), a free spirited person who is played by a very very OLD Robert Redford. Little did I know he actually had to ability to age. This was quite dramatizing as I am sure you can tell.

After a few years, Little Baron asks for a divorce. Karen says, hmm, okay! She is free to marry Denys. Except for the fact he doesn’t like the idea of marriage. Karen is rather annoyed at this and the break up. But only for about ten minutes, film time. She understands she cannot tame him and everyone is happy.

THEN. HE. DIES.

I couldn’t believe it. What a terrible way to end a movie! Oh her plantation burns down too. So she really is having bad luck and must return to Denmark to live. The end.

I am at a loss for words, in the worst possible way. Have I mentioned yet that this movie was three hours long? Have I mentioned Meryl Streep’s hair looked like a lion attacked it throughout the length of the movie? Have I mentioned yet how horrid her accent was and how I was secretly hoping the whole film her vocal chords would just die? Have I mentioned that Robert Redford DIED? Well, now I have. These reasons are just some in a long list of why this movie failed extremely epically. I hope, for as long as I live, I will never have to watch something like this again, it was that atrocious. Any film that makes Robert Redford terrible does not deserve to have the title of Best Picture.

Maybe it’s time to go back to loving Marlon Brando.

The French Connection

The French Connection
1971
“If I were a rich man!”
“Tradition!”
“Matchmaker matchmaker find me a find catch me a catch.” Does anyone know what movie these are from? If you guessed Fiddler on the Roof, you would be correct! Isn’t that a fabulous movie? Oh how I would love to talk about that movie! It was nominated in 1971 for Best Picture even, that’s how great it is!

But guess what. It lost. To stupid The French Connection. So I have to talk about that movie instead. This makes me angry. But because I am a wonderful person, I’ll do it anyway.

Bad guys have drugs. Good guys want to put them away for this. Good guys fail in the end. The end.

What’s that you say? I am getting lazy in my old age and should do a longer summary? Well I take personal offense to that! I am not getting lazy! So maybe I only made my bed twice this week. Maybe I only put on makeup three times. Maybe I only wrote a three sentence summary. I don’t think this is the definition of lazy! I call it conservation of energy, which everyone should be for.

In truth, this was all I understood of this, to put it bluntly, terrible movie. It was confusing. And boring. The most exciting scene was a car chasing a train, but even though that had the potential to be fabulous and spectacular, it was just dull and flat. The blood that was spilling out all over the place throughout the movie was bright red and obviously fake. The dialogue was difficult to understand. They spoke in too much French. I could go on.

And I will. Because I particularly hated the ending immensely. I mean a good guy gets shot by another good guy and none of the bad guys except one actually get punished. It’s terrible! How is this supposed to be a lovely tale worth watching?

I truly do not understand why this won Best Picture. It did not exemplify any qualities a Best Picture movie should have. Now, maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I just really wanted Fiddler on the Roof to win. Maybe I am extra sensitive because it’s past midnight and I am cranky. Or maybe this was just a lousy movie.

Kramer Vs. Kramer

Kramer Vs. Kramer

1979

Tonight, the unexpected happened. My dishwasher began to melt.

I know you are laughing at this statement. But it is not funny. I have never been more worried about anything before in my life. Smoke and steam were pouring out of my dish cleaning device at an alarming rate, making some sort of black plastic slowly ooze out the front. I was convinced for a few seconds that it was going to eat me. Had you seen the site that I had beheld tonight, I am sure my dear friends that you would believe the same thing.

While all this was going on, I happened to be watching Kramer Vs. Kramer. Of course I would have to take breaks occasionally to make sure my large kitchen appliance hadn’t totally wasted away into a heap of useless plastic. That would indeed be a tragedy.

Ted Kramer likes to work. He likes it a lot. However, his wife hates the fact he is always working, and never paying any attention to her feelings, and in general being a fail of a husband. So of course, she leaves him, and their five year old son.

At first, Ted doesn’t do so well having a child to take full care of. He makes him French toast with the egg shells mixed in, things like that. But eventually after about a year or so, they finally begin to make it all work and become genuinely happy.

Of course, in a movie, when things are going splendidly you know everything is about to turn rotten.

This movie is no exception. First Ted is hit with the news his ex has returned to New York City and is wanting custody of Billy, their now seven year old boy. Of course Ted is rather attached to Billy and says no. So off to a courtroom they must go! Oh look that rhymed! Maybe I should do that more of the time.

But not before Ted loses his job due to missing some stuff because of being a single parent. This makes his case to win Billy nearly impossible. Scratch that. It is impossible. So Ted races off, three days before Christmas, to find a job, any job.

Luckily, he does! It is below him and he takes a pay cut, but it is still a job. He doesn’t care. He would have probably worked at McDonald’s if he had to. Everything is secure to head off to the courtroom.

Now, I could write this long, dramatic paragraph about how they argue back and forth and have to wait for the news an agonizing amount of days, or I could just tell you bluntly that Ted looses Billy. Its heart wrenching. Honestly, if you don’t feel even a tinge of sadness when this happens, it is apparent you are cruel AND heartless AND have no soul.

Things were looking pretty down, and with only four minutes left it looked like this movie could win the award for saddest movie ever. But Meryl Streep saves the day! She is the wife, and she says she will not take the boy home because he already is home. She is giving up custody and everyone is happy. Except probably her. The End.

Oh. My. Goodness. Can I just go on and on for like, about twenty minutes about the acting in this film? It was wonderful! Some of the best I have seen. All the main characters were nominated for either Best Acting or Best Supporting Acting. Dustin Hoffman, who played Ted, was able to portray a man who was at first deeply hurt but then grew and fiercely loved his son. Meryl Streep won an award too but she was in the movie for only fifteen minutes tops so I don’t have anything to say except that it is amazing that her nose doesn’t get red when she cries. This is a skill I must ask her to teach me one day. Even the little boy was able to act much better than I am able to and he was only six! He was an actor who was far better at his craft than many people four times his age.

I wouldn’t say this was a joy to watch, because honestly it was hard to watch all the pain every character was going through. But it was still an excellently made movie. Now if you excuse me, I have a dishwasher to save.

On the Waterfront

On the Waterfront
1954

My birthday is coming up in three weeks. There are three things that if I received them, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

1. Lotso, the bear from Toy Story 3. He’s evil, pink, smells like strawberries, and sold at the Disney store. What is not to love about something that is that combination of things, especially being sold at the Disney store. It is the most fabulous place on the planet.
2. A pigeon.
3. A time machine, specifically for the use of going back in time to become best friends with Marlon Brando. I don’t care if he was a bit of a diva, he seemed somewhat wonderful in On the Waterfront.

Okay. So here is the story, as I think it went. It was slightly confusing and I watched it over three days of time, so forgive me if I get a detail wrong.

We open with a guy named Johnny being thrown out a window to his death. He was going to testify against the mob, and that unfortunately for him was a poor life decision. Terry, played by the fabulous Marlon Brando, knows that it was the mobs fault. He has some connections to this mob. His brother Charlie is the lawyer for the head boss guy. After having a personal talk with Head Boss Guy, Terry is sure that he was the one behind the killing. But he decides to testify, as he would like to live.

But it’s all good! Some other man decides to testify to bring Head Boss Guy in to jail! However when he makes this decision, he is soon crushed by a million tons of Irish whiskey. This further ensues that Terry will not testify.

But he falls in love with Johnny’s, the first dead guy, sister, and she changes his mind on the subject. It also helps that the mob kills his brother. Off he goes to testify! He breaks the case and everyone in the legal system loves him.

Of course the mob hates him a lot know. But they don’t try to kill him because they already have been caught. Because Terry is stupid he goes down and fights Head Boss Guy until he can barely walk, the stumbles off to work. The end.

Now, if this is indeed what happened, I rather liked this movie. I really love Marlon Brando. He had an amazing accent, interesting eyebrows, and he walked around in a red plaid jacket for most of the movie. How cool is that? Since this movie was in black and white, I am not entirely sure that the jacket was red, but come on. All cool jackets are red, so this one must be. How is my logic for you?

One thing that this movie in particular succeeded in was epic speeches. The priest, whose name I do not know, had many inspiring speeches about justice and not letting the mob win. Terry had a few good lines too, including the third best movie line of all time, “…I coulda had class…” according to the American Film Institute’s list.

The acting was great, Marlon Brando of course being absolutely awesome in his role. Edie, the girl, was played with just the right amounts of emotion by Eva Marie Saint, who won an Oscar for her efforts in this film.

But you want to know the best thing about this movie? It had pigeons. Carrier pigeons to be exact. They were so cute and fat and fluffy, you couldn’t help but fall in love with them, and at the same time, this movie.

West Side Story

West Side Story
1961

Forbidden love is bad. It ends up hurting many people, including you.

But you know what? It makes for a fabulous story.

This is the beautiful, yet tragic story of Romeo and Juliet, set in New York City and with some gang drama thrown in. We have our American gang, the Jets, and we have our Puerto Rican gang, the Sharks. The Sharks are a bazillion times cooler, and a gazillion times more attractive, for the record. These two gangs hate each other with an intense passion.

So what of course happens? Tony, an ex Jet, and Maria, the leader of the Sharks Bernardo’s sister, fall in love. It was rather stupid of them if you think about it.

But they couldn’t help it. They saw each other at a dance and the world just stopped. Literally. But of course, as soon as they get together, their gangs attempt to break them up. But nothing can stop true love. Except maybe death, but we will get to that later.

The reason they were all together at the dance was because the Jets’ leader Riff wanted to challenge the Sharks to a rumble. They accept and meet later to establish terms of fighting. When this said fight happens, it does not go well. Riff is stabbed to death by Bernardo. Tony is enraged as he was Riff’s best friend, and in turn kills Bernardo.

Chino, the boy everyone wants Maria to love, runs to her to tell her what Tony has done. She at first does not believe him, but eventually accepts the truth. Does this make her feelings for Tony vanish? Of course not she’s a silly girl who is in love.
When you care about someone you hardly ever listen to rational thought or logic, like, “Hmm, maybe this guy is bad because he killed my brother.” Or “Maybe I shouldn’t go out with him because my best friend Rita doesn’t like him.” Or “Maybe I should run away screaming from this crazy man because he wanted to satanically slap my parents.” The last one doesn’t particularly apply to West Side Story, but it is still good to avoid such people.

Maria and Tony decide to run away together. They meet at a candy store, see the other, and start running towards each other. But Chino comes out with a gun and shoots Tony dead. It’s terrible. Maria then rants beautifully, that it was their hate for each other that killed Riff, Bernardo, and Tony, and the movie ends.

Cynical comments aside, I love this movie. It’s a musical, so that of course gives it huge bonus points from me. But here is the thing that makes this movie so completely spectacular. It’s choreography is AMAZING. I mean, besides the slight hilarity of gangs dancing like girls, this is so cool to watch. Jerome Robbins one a special award from the Oscars because of how brilliant this was.

The only complaint I have is the whole love at first sight thing. This is a completely ridiculous notion that only crazy people believe in. I would say no offense, but if you do believe in something as outlandish such as this, you deserve to have your feelings hurt.

But other than that slight minor detail, this movie was wonderfully made and enjoyable to watch.

The Sound of Music

The Sound of Music
1965

I am going to become a nun.

Why you may ask? Well, I am pretty sure it has something to do with the fact I have been watching way too much of The Sound of Music lately. It recently became my two year old sister’s favorite movie, and when given to choice to do school, or watch this, I think it is obvious what one should do.

As I have been watching this movie three times daily, I have realized what fun it would be to become a nun! I mean, they seem rather happy, and they are always singing! I have been told this is only the case in movies, and in real life nuns are not like this, but I think the people who say this are only out to crush my dreams and aspirations for the future. Silly people.

Maria is a nun. But she’s a pretty crappy one it turns out. She’s always late for everything, except for every meal. That’s part of one of the many songs that are just destined to be stuck in your head for days at a time.

So, she’s always late, she blurts out things without thinking, and sings without permission. So what else is there to do but ship her off to become a governess for a family with seven children and no mother?

As she arrives at the house with the insane amount of children, Maria is taught by Captain Von Trapp the father, how to run the strict house. It involves whistles, and is odd. As soon as the Captain leaves, Maria ditches all the strict rules and teaches the children how to have fun, winning them over. She also makes them all matching clothes, which is oh so cute.

Of course, the Captain comes back, and is very unhappy with them singing and being happy. But after they serenade him with a lovely song, he becomes completely fine with it.

Oh. He brought back a girl with him on his trip and this girl is jealous of Maria, who likes the Captain. Mean girl eventually convinces Maria to go back to the convent and everyone is sad.

At the nun place, the head nun tells Maria to stop being a nun and return to the Von Trapps because she is in love with the Captain and that is not something nuns really should be apparently. Plus it will make her happy. So off Maria goes! Yay!

But, of course, the Captain is now engaged to the mean girl. But he soon wisens (this is a word I just made up) up and realizes he loves Maria and marries her instead. Yay!

Again things can’t be happy for too long in this movie it seems. The Captian is being forced into the navy again, but with the Nazis since they all live in Austria. He really does not agree with the Nazis so they run away and treck across the mountains singing. The end.

I absolutely love this movie, for pretty much one reason. It’s a musical, and a fabulous one at that. The songs are just perfect. After watching this movie I always go around singing what my favorite things are, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens in case you have not seen this movie. Julie Andrews does a superb job as the odd Maria, and you cannot help but love her in this movie. The only problem I really have with this movie is that it is three hours long and after awhile it is extremely hard to pay attention. That may just be me though, as I have the attention span of a goldfish.

And I am so dead serious about becoming a nun.

All the King's Men

All the King’s Men
1949

In the world, there are three evils. Packing, painting, and politics. I generally attempt to avoid all three of these terrible things. But this week, I could not. Packing and painting came in the form of having to slave away nearly all day almost every day trying to get our house ready to sell. Politics came in the form of All the King’s Men.

Willie Stark was an honest man. It was just too bad he had to ruin himself by becoming a politician.

Jack, our sort of narrator type person, is a reporter, whose boss tells him there is an honest man running for some position in a small hick town in the middle of nowhere. Apparently this is big news. So down Jack must treck to cover this election and interview this man, Willie Stark. Willie is a very nice person, who is brave and honest. So he of course loses his first election. But he and Jack become good buddies through the whole deal.

Willie now has decided to become a lawyer. But he has to beg people to let him take their cases for free. It’s very pathetic. I nearly feel bad for him. I say nearly only because there is just something about Willie I don’t like. I don’t know what it is, besides the fact he’s a politician. And now a lawyer. That’s two strikes against him.

Anyway, Honest Willie is somehow pulled into an election to become governor because the other guy needed someone to split the vote between said other guy and the opponent. This guy is now Willie. He runs a very strong campaign and… LOSES!!! Big surprise. But he doesn’t give up. In four more years, he manages to pull off winning and becomes governor of some state.

Now he has power. And you know what, he likes it. And everyone likes him so life is pretty dandy. Until he starts running things dirty and bribing people. Then one day his son gets drunk and kills a girl in an accident. We learn how truly corrupt Willie is because he tries to buy off the girl’s father. It doesn’t work. His son of course feels very guilty.

Willie, in order for people to like him and his son more, encourages his son to play in a big football game. But his son has a head injury. I for one, having six concussions under my belt, know you never play sports with a head injury. Stupid Willie. So of course tragically his son becomes paralyzed and people think Willie is stupid. HA! See I told you he was! I am so smart.

Willie is now being impeached for stupidity. They need senate votes though in order to win. So they try to buy of this old judge. Jack says the judge never did anything wrong in his life so they won’t be able to blackmail him. However, Jack is wrong. The judge did do something a long time ago that if it got out, would destroy his reputation. Jack tells no one about this but Anne, his girlfriend thingy, who happens to be having an affair with Willie. It’s so confusing keeping things straight sometimes. Anne tells Willie, who tells the judge he knows about him, and the judge then shoots himself in the head. It’s quite horrible.

Because he had the people on his side, Willie won anyway. So right as he walks out and after he makes a speech, Anne’s brother shows up and shoots Willie dead! Anne’s brother dies too. I honestly have no idea why he shot him, except for the fact that he hated him the whole movie for some reason. I don’t know why. But that’s not important! What’s important is it is THE END!
I liked this movie. What it was trying to do is show that no one is above corruption, even if you think you are and are actually trying to fix the corrupted people sometimes. It doesn’t matter, everyone has their price. We learn this as every single person in the movie was able to be bought with something somehow. Willie’s death in the end wasn’t tragic, it was a relief that a terrible monster had finally been slain.

On a critical stand point, the movie was well acted and engaging. I had every intention of hating it but I truly enjoyed watching this. It was a nice break from my unfortunate fate of packing and painting day in and day out.

Quarterly Review #1

So, with my last blog of the movie Rebecca, I had blogged my twenty first Best Picture winner. Twenty first out of eighty four is one quarter of the way through, so I have decided to do a quarterly review!

I debated what this would look like. Should I say what my favorite movie has been so far (Annie Hall, in case anyone was curious)? And then I realized I was very, very, very tired of blogging movies I didn’t really like. I wanted to blog a movie I enjoyed! A movie I loved! A movie like… THE LION KING!

When I was little, every single day my favorite thing to do was watch The Lion King. Never before has there been a better animated movie than this, and I will venture to say there never will ever be a greater cartoon than this movie here. I own the soundtrack. I have the nightlight. I’ve seen the play. I love The Lion King.

For you dodos that don’t know the story, here it is. Simba is a lion cub who is born to Mufasa and Sarabi. He is the future king. And he just can’t wait! Teehee. Simba yearns to be brave just like his father. So when his evil uncle Scar tells him about an ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD that is out of his territory, he and his friend Nala decide to go pay a visit to this ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD.
This graveyard has hyenas who want to eat them. Simba and Nala were unaware of this fact. Luckily Mufasa saves the day and no one becomes lunch!

This makes Scar rather angry. He wanted Simba dead so he can become king. So he devises a brilliant and diabolical plan to claim kingship.

Scar brings Simba out onto a rock. And tells him to stay. So Simba does. And then the hyenas start a stampede of I think water buffalo that threaten to kill Simba! But never fear! Mufasa is here!

Mufasa saves Simba and brings him to safety. As he himself tries to climb out, he slips and reaches Scar, who throws him to the buffalo. So now Mufasa is dead and trampled. It is the saddest moment of movie history ever in the planet. Simba tragically finds his father and believes Scar when he tells him that Simba is responsible for Mufasa’s death. So Scar tells Simba to run very, very far away.

Simba ends up in the middle of a desert, passed out. Until Timon and Pumba find him! And teach him to forget his past and learn hakuna matata! CUE SINGING!!!!!

Simba grows up! And then one day, Nala returns. It’s magical. Everyone can feel the love. Nala tells Simba he must return and take his place as king. Scar let the hyenas run the pride lands and there’s no food. Simba is scared to because of his past. But because of a crazy monkey he changes his mind and returns!!!

Simba fights Scar and gets him to admit that it was Scar who was responsible for Mufasa’s death. Then the hyenas eat Scar. Simba takes his place as king and everyone lives happily ever after till the next movie. THE END!!!

Can I say, possibly the best movie ever? It’s funny. It has FANTASTIC songs. The story is amazing. It’s drawn wonderfully. There is nothing about this movie I don’t love with every inch of my heart. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, something is dreadfully wrong with you. You must immediately go out and watch it now. Stop reading this. I’m serious.

I love this movie so much.

Rebecca

Rebecca
1940

I so wanted to like this movie. So much. But never before has a movie made my head hurt so before! But anyway, this is the jist of it.

Right as the movie starts, we hit annoying thing number one. Miss Main Character has no name. Well, I mean I’m sure she has one. We just never get to know it. It was entirely irksome in every way. Moving on. MMC (Miss Main Character) meets this really, really, really attractive guy in Monte Carlo and decides to marry him. So off they go to his estate! Oh there is this minor detail about him. He used to be married, but his wife died under “mysterious” circumstances. Yeah.

Everyone at the house is still madly in love with the old wife, Rebecca. MMC tries to run the house but it is kind of hard. To try and establish herself as the wife she holds a costume party and accidentally wears the same costume that Rebecca wore last year, because the evil Mrs. Danvers told her to. Obviously, everyone goes crazy, including cute husband. So Mrs. Danvers tells MMC she should just jump out of her window. Which she nearly does, until a call comes from the shore. A boat has been found.

Annoying thing number two. THIS ALL TAKES TWO WHOLE HOURS TO COVER AND NOTHING TRULY INTERESTING HAS HAPPENED! Okay. I am calm and collected and will continue now that I got that off my chest.

The boat has a body in it. Rebecca’s body. But how is this possible? She is buried already. Let us go to handsome husband and ask.

It seems she was having an affair. With her cousin. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. And she was pregnant. She and her husband got in a fight and she fell and died. Totally an accident. So Max, that is his real name, took her out to the boat and sunk her ship. Then identified a random other body as Rebecca.

Now cute husband is in trouble as we know Rebecca is not who he said she was. So they go to trial and have too do some digging to find out if she was suicidal or not and would sin her own ship. Can I just say that would be the stupidest form of suicide on the planet? Sinking your own ship and hoping to drown? Idiotic. So obviously she did not do that.

They go to a doctor to confirm she was pregnant as she had a appointment that day. He says no, she was not pregnant. She had cancer. So they determine her suicidal by that fact alone and everyone goes free. Woohoo!

Attractive husband goes home to find the Mrs. Danvers has burnt his house and herself to the ground. The end.

Strangest. Ending. EVER. It was hysterical. I am not sure they meant for it to be funny though.

Alfred Hitchcock directed this film. On that sole purpose alone, I wanted to love it. Psycho and The Birds are two of my favorite films ever, especially the former. He is just an utter genius, usually. I do not know what happened here.

I was, until the last thirty minutes, very bored. I was very glad I had Lucky Charms to play with, otherwise I would have lost my mind. Hitchcock should never ever bore anyone. I was very disappointed.